Dating & Birth Order: A 2-Night Research Study

Alright, children. Gather round, gather round. The results are in. I come bearing facts, observations, totally biased opinions, & open-ended thoughts drawn from 115 Instagram poll participants. Let’s get straight into it.

The Preface

I don’t know much, but I do know this to be true: all of my best research studies have spawned from a dinner table conversation.

I also know this: one of said “best research studies” was me solely eating corn for 2 days straight in college to see if it showed up whole in my poop. So, do with that what you will.

Okay, I think that’s all I know for now. Here’s a bit of context.

Last weekend, I was at a BYOV (Bring Your Own Vinyl), bourbon tasting, & dinner event with my buddy Ben. It was electric. All my favorite things in one place. Picture this:

Home-made southern food. Knockout company. Being the youngest in the room by at least 20 years. Chorizo stuffed mushrooms floating around every 5 minutes. A bourbon spread that would make your grandpappy cry. Brisket. Mac. N’. Cheese. A DJ spinning everyone’s favorite tracks they brought. 50-year-old men forgetting they brought their record until it played & suddenly, they were no different than a kid at Show & Tell, making sure everyone in the room knew it was their song.

I was grinning like an idiot the entire time.

Somewhere in between my first & fifth helping, Ben & I got onto talking about life – friends, siblings, pickle mascots, dating culture. The works. And when we were about knee-deep into the dating topic, I looked at him & asked, “Ben, why don’t you date?” And he gave the age-old, “I live a fulfilling life on my own. I love being by myself & living life on my own terms, and until someone is an addition to that, I’ll stay single & happy.” I nodded & said I was somewhere in that ballpark too. The waiter came by & offered us some fried chicken on a stick for the third time. We both took two to save him a trip. Then, mid-bite I had an epiphany, stared at Ben until he made eye contact with me, & said, “do you think middle children are less likely to date?” I mean, I had two, second child statistics, sitting at the table to prove the point true. He stopped for a second, flipped through all of the middle children he could think of for about 30 seconds. I sat there jamming out to “Can’t Fight This Feeling” by REO Speedwagon. He interrupted my jam sesh & said, “you know what, it tracks.” And that was that. We immediately resumed conversation about the more important things in life, like when was a good time for apple crisp. It was then.

That apple crisp was so good, I had to eat it with my eyes closed to savor the moment. Yet, the thought still stuck in my mind:

Do you think middle children are less likely to go out of their way to date, because they’re traditionally more independent & adaptable?

And, thus, this brain dump of a study was born…

Now that we have some background, I want to go on the record & state some biases, prior thoughts, & considerations before the study:

1. I’ve babysat & nannied in more households than I can count, each with entirely different family dynamics, rules, & values. But one thing that has proved scarily consistent in every family was birth order. Obviously, it looked different on every family & kid. I mean, at the end of the day, it’s cherry picking a handful of attributes & slapping them on the chronology of when someone was born. But, 9 times out of 10, it went:
   

   • Oldest child=perfectionistic, people pleaser, cautious, high-achieving
   • Middle child=independent, free-floater, strong-willed, beats to their own drum
   • Youngest child=prince/princess, social butterfly, carefree, attention-seeking
   • Only child=independent, smart, creative, big on personal space & belongings

2. This study was brought to you by a second child, so I might have a slight bias towards the middle children. Don’t ask my mom what I mean by “slight”. She’ll tell you it’s a superiority complex. She’s totally lying. Don’t listen to her. (Middle Childs rule the world)
3. I came at these questions from a birth order & dating perspective, then threw in a couple, extra curious ones. There won’t be crazy cohesion or groundbreaking results here, people.
4. 115 folks answered the first question, 90 the second, 32 the third (it was a pin-pointed one, so this was expected), 62 the fourth, then 64 the fifth. So, it was nearly a 50% drop-off in participants from beginning to end. That being said, my numbers are going to be skewed by sheer lack of volume, but this is just for kicks & giggles anyways, so you’ll live.
   

   • How are the results skewed?
     

     • The biggest factor is that I seem to have a mass following of youngest children, so they were pulling dead weight in these graphs. I did take that into consideration in my comments & conclusions though.

Results

Question 1: Where Do You Fall in Birth Order?

Comments:

1. Youngest rep hard. Only children need to call for backup next time!

Question 2: How Did You/Do You Date?

Comments:

1. The people are clearly dating.
2. Lots of people straddled Mutual & Strangers in the DMs, so those are some of the Others.
3. It’s neck & neck between dating a mutual/friend or a stranger though – pros & cons to each, so pick your poison!

Question 3: If You Don’t Date Often or Ever, Why?

Comments:

1. Remember this is a niche question, so many folks didn’t answer.
2. There were far less folks that marked “Nervous” than I expected. I guess it’s just the most relevant answer that people chose for themselves though, which doesn’t mean those who answered otherwise aren’t nervous.
3. We’ve got a lot of hopeless romantics out here, waiting & whatnot. I love it!
4. In second place, we have the “need to know them well”s, otherwise known as everyone’s favorite –friends-to-lovers. I love that so many find comfort through closeness.
5. It’s wild that every single person who answered, “no one asked me out”, I would date tomorrow. Will slip my number to you next time we’re out, so act surprised.
6. Some outliers:
   

   • A few folks said they didn’t have time.
   • A handful said the dating pool is frustrating & it feels like a big ask to meet the right person.

Question 4: How Often Did You/Do You Date?

Comments:

1. So, I wanted to differentiate between hardcore relationships (back-to-back) & then just being with people (constant unserious) – where ‘constant unserious’ can mean dating in short spurts, going on dates, or just being with people romantically. But! In my head, for personality type purposes, I semi-combine the two since they both point to more of a want to have someone by their side in a romantic way. They’re two separate approaches, which is why they’re two, separate answers, but both I would group into being “relationship people”
2. 3-5 business years, I would group into “single-oriented”. This is where my biases come in & I predict that those who are able to be single for longer are the ones that don’t want for a relationship as much.

Question 5: How Comfortable Would You Be Remaining Single For the Rest of Your Life?

Comments:

1. Alright, let’s state the obvious – the people want to be in love!
2. There’s a fair amount of comfort in being single out there. I wonder what the answer would’ve been 20, 30, & 40 years ago.
3. Many folks who voted on this one are in happy relationships & marked various answers, which I think is cool. As in, they have a phenomenal person, yet they could take or leave the idea of having a partner. It just happened for them.
4. A handful of folks chimed in & mentioned wanting to be a mother/father more than wanting a partner, but marked “want a partner”.

Bonus Graphs Because Delaney Apparently Knows How to Work Excel & Got Swept Away in the Moment

Bonus Graph 1:

Comments:

1. The Youngest seem to really like dating strangers. A couple thoughts:
   

   • Youngest are typically stereotyped as social butterflies. It’d make sense that they’d be the most likely to date a stranger.
   • According to this graph, Youngest are also the most eager to date, between having the highest trends of both Mutuals & Strangers. My knee-jerk reaction is to label the Youngest as the “relationship” type.

2. Only Childs apparently don’t care to date anyone they know. I also have like 8 people we’re going off of here, so I feel like that’s something to consider.
3. First Child is comparable to Youngest’s trajectory of dating a fair amount with more need to know someone first (Mutuals beat out Strangers).

Bonus Graph 2:

Comments:

1. First Childs value an established connection as a key component of dating.
   

   • I can see First’s valuing stability & finding comfort in knowing someone well. A little slow burn action never hurt no one!

2. Only Childs had the highest tally for “no one asks me out”, which (I do want to go on the record once again & say) is crazy that that happens to those people.
3. Youngest & Middle mock each other with their trends.
   

   • Both want the right person to fall into place by a landslide.
   • Not dating because you’re waiting would track for the two more whimsical & carefree people’s of birth order. They’re able to get caught up in life easily.

Bonus Graph 3:

Comments:

1. Middle had no Back-to-Backs. Now, THAT is interesting. That’s what started this whole conversation in the first place though. Do middle children date less because they’re more independent & adaptable?  Well, now we know they definitely date less.
   

   • I wonder if they’re naturally more comfortable being by themselves.

2. Oldest & Youngest mimic each other with frequency of relationships almost exactly.
3. If I combine Back-to-Back & Constant Unserious Relationships to see who likes having someone in the “partner” placeholder.
   

   • Youngest & Oldest take the cake here. We’ve got about a 2:1 ratio with having a partner constantly:not having a partner constantly

4. Wow, I can’t believe my question was actually answered. I’m having so much fun now. Is this why people become scientists?

Bonus Graph 4:

Comments:

1. Everyone besides the Only Childs said they want a partner the most.
2. Only Childs could take or leave having a partner.
   

   • Beside the point: I wonder if the idea of parenting with someone seems more daunting for Only Childs as well. For some people that are hyper-independent, parenting with a partner seems like it would be harder than doing it single.

3. First, Middle, & Youngest are all comparable. They want a partner & some could do without.

Bonus Graph 5:

Comments:

1. I thought it’d be interesting to see if there was overlap between folks who don’t care to date as often & those that would be okay being single for the rest of their lives.
2. It’s funny, because those who date less often seem to want a partner the most, even if they don’t feel they need one. Holding out seems to turn you into quite the hopeless romantic, doesn’t it?
3. The Back-to-Backers want but don’t need, huh? So interesting. Do you think for some of them it might be because they’ve dated so much that they still pursue it but also have kind of given up hope, so they tell themselves they don’t need a partner? We’re going way off script here.
4. So, the people want, but they don’t need it seems. But they definitely still want…
5. Who let me write a research study? This whole free will thing is getting out-of-hand.

Summary

Ben & I’s original hypothesis was right. Huge. Middle children date the least. We don’t know why, even though I know many of these people’s true answers, and those answers are very middle child-esque. We’ll just leave it at the numbers for now.

Through this study, I found out I’m not a numbers girl; I’m a pontificator. But it turns out, even numbers can make me pontificate! Then again, most things make me pontificate. I just realized my boss uses the word “pontificate” so much that I’ve been going off of vibes for its definition. Let me look it up to keep myself in check.

“to preach, lecture, or dogmatize; expressing opinions in a pompous or arrogant manner”

Yeesh, nevermind. That’s less fun & more aggressive than the vibes told me. I pontificate, but not that hardcore. I’d classify myself as a curious, semi-stupid, people-think-she’s-high-most-of-the-time-but-was-somehow-just-born-that-way, has-something-to-say-but-somehow-also-doesn’t-have-anything-to-say-all-at-once, less pretentious pontificator.

Great, now that we’ve spent 2 paragraphs defining a word that’s been used inacurrately for the past year, let’s get into some cool things we discovered:

1. Delaney needs to make more Only Child friends to balance out her stats.
2. The people are dating! Although, according to the DMs, much more reluctantly. Jobs are being prioritized. Dating apps are deterents & are getting people down on the dating pool/likelihood of meeting someone good. Some folks were born in the wrong generation & aren’t fans of the new terms our non-commital, Gen Zers made up like “talking” or “situationship”.
3. There’s more comfort in flying solo than was expected – both from people in relationships & single.
4. There was a dramatic amount of folks with mass respites in between partners & dating attempts. The people are living life, breathing air, & healing, baby!
5. I was wrong – those that don’t date as often were not more likely to be passive towards a partner. In fact, they were the one’s wanting for a partner the most. Again I say, you’ve gotta love a hopeless romantic!
6. Love is in the air.

Things That Made Me Smile

1. The vulnerability & openness in the DMs. I love & appreciate every single response I received. And I got so many! It was awesome to get some more insight into the answers, hear what folks want in this life, learn things I never knew about my friends & followers, & listen to the many struggles of navigating the world of dating – both past & present.
   

   • Fyi, these questions were oddly good conversation starters if you ever wanted to steal & recirculate to friends.

2. The amount of men that swiped up, saying they wanted to be a father. I think it feels more normal for a woman to admit to wanting for a kid – maybe it’s because they have more of a biological clock, it pops into their head sooner, & it’s a more talked about subject. I don’t know. But I was quite taken aback & heart-warmed at the amount of guys that were ecstatic to bring a child into this world.
3. How much folks have grown. I heard so many stories of dating histories starting with nerves, ill intentions, misinformed intentions, looking for themselves in a person – whatever. And then hearing where they are today with themselves, their confidence, & their heart? It’s pretty freaking astounding where the bumpy backroads can lead you.
4. Instagram. It always cracks me up who & how people respond to what I put on there. This was a fun one.

Conclusion

In conclusion, everyone just wants to be in love.