Adulting became a heck of a lot easier once I realized that I’m in charge of myself.
I think it’s important in life to have a certain level of discipline & structure, in whatever variety works best for you. And when you’re a kid, you have authorities (teachers, parents, coaches, etc) to instill that, be it through chores, having a set bedtime, classroom structure, morals, whatever. Not that I always listened to them growing up (I was a silent rebel [sometimes with a cause {sometimes without}]), but the point still stands. There were rules, confines, expectations, & authorities I had to answer to. And now — I am my own authority. It’s ridiculous, really. I mean, no one outright gave me permission to become an adult, and, quite frankly, that just doesn’t sit well with me. Right? Shouldn’t there be a test to pass or an interview process or a screening or an adulthood bouncer or something?! Everyone can’t possibly just be allowed to enter into the adult portal once they turn 18. I, for one, certainly don’t think I should have been permitted my badge of adulthood until at least 22. Then again, ask me in 10 years & I’ll probably say I didn’t even deserve it then. But, nonetheless, here we are. And regardless of this seemingly lawless society we live in, the clock struck midnight on December 18th, back in 2018 & I, Delaney Olexa, ready or not, was deemed an adult. Whether or not I should have this title is a controversial topic, no doubt about it, but 18 I turned, 5 years have passed, and I’ve learned a few things about myself. One of the most important being:
I’m my own parent/authority figure now. Let that sink in…
To parent Delaney Olexa is not a job for the faint of heart. The skillset & job requirements have to be equivalent to that of a lawyer, crocodile wrangler, mind-reader, & unicorn superhero, all combined. So, I’d like to take a moment to give my parents all of the kudos in the world for not physically exploding (or letting me explode the rest of the world) while raising me, because, holy shnike, this is NOT an easy gig. I’m a feisty, argumentative, irrationally rational, indecisive, stubborn chick. And now I’m in charge of myself. Forever. Like, no breaks. I can’t even take a vacation from me if I wanted to. But that’s my cross to bear I guess… maybe one day my story will inspire someone to invent the option to take a legitimate brain break, where they take your brain out & put it in a separate room. Almost like time out. And you just get to part ways for a couple days, detoxing from each other, so then maybe when your mind & body become reunited once again, they can learn to appreciate each other & work as a more functional cohort than before. Lots of logical holes in this fantasy of mine, but by golly is it a nice movie to play out in my head. Now, in dealing with myself 25/7, I’ve learned that I get to play 2 parts in the act of keeping my ducks in a row.
“The Kid Me vs The Parent Me” — here’s a sample of the play:
Kid: *in a whiny tone* “I’m hungry.”
Parent: “Well, perfect, we have stir fry for dinner!”
Kid: “But I don’t want stir fry. I want chicken nuggets.”
Parent: “But we don’t have chicken nuggets, so I would have to drive all of the way out to the store to pick them up.”
Kid: “Okay, then use your big girl car that you can drive all by yourself since you’re an adult!”
Parent: “But I’m so tired from work & don’t feel like going back out. Plus, this stir fry is perfectly fine & I don’t want it to go bad.”
Kid: “Yeahhhhhh, but I don’t want it that much anymore now that I’ve thought about chicken nuggets.”
Parent: “Delaney, we’re having stir fry & you may not like it as much as your chicken nuggets, but you & your body will survive all the same.”
Kid: “You’re just like all of the other adults. You’re so boring. Ugh, fine. And since you’re making me eat stir fry that I just decided is repulsive for dinner, then maybe we can have cookies & ice cream & pop to wash it down!”
Parent: “Good god, just one thing at a time!”
You see, it’s like pulling teeth out here, except for I’m the one pulling and getting my teeth pulled. It’s a confusing, uphill battle, yet it’s becoming more manageable. But this is new for me. It used to be that I thought the kid & the parent were coming from the same place in my head — as if they were both the ones pulling the teeth. Imagine that. Both the kid & the parent had equal power & say in guiding me through life. Only recently have I discovered that, in this ongoing dialogue, one voice is in the driver’s seat & one is in the passenger’s seat. And not in a bad way. The parent is here to lay down the law of practicality & procedure. The parent gives the confines. Now, does this mean the kid is in full submission to the rules & regulations of this authority figure? For some, yes, I think. Discipline runs some adults lives fully in this day & age. It keeps them in line & helps maintain order & productivity. Take Andrew Huberman for example. The man who wakes up early, waits 90 minutes to drink caffeine, meditates, takes cold showers, eats intermittently & healthfully. Makes all of the right moves. If there were a place called “That Girl Land,” he would be the emperor of it. And that lifestyle works for him & for so many others. But listen here & listen close. I am not Andrew Huberman & never will be. That level of order & discipline has been tried on for size by me & it’s just not my speed. The kid within me needs a say. And a bigger one than most. Should the kid be in the driver’s seat of the car? Definitely not on the highway & especially not without parental supervision. That’s just a recipe for disaster. But maybe while the car’s in park. Then she can test out all of the buttons. Or maybe she could be in charge of the wheel & take it for a spin while sitting on the lap of her parent.
All of this to say…
There’s a lot of kid in my heart that’s not going anywhere anytime soon. And that kid may be unruly, scattered, & gluttonous much of the time, but she also happens to bring up some valid points. For example:
Why do I care so much if I get my hair wet at the pool? It’s just hair & I like the sound of silence & pressure under the water anyway. Why can’t I have a skillet cookie for dinner? It’s been a long week & that calls for celebration. Why shouldn’t I book that flight? I’ve been saving tirelessly to build up a savings cushion, and, at the end of the day, it’s just money & buying it wouldn’t affect anybody else. Why can’t I spill some flour & sugar while making cookies? Messes are fun while making them. Enjoy the process & worry about the clean-up later.
You see, it’s not all chaos when you let a kid have a say. If there’s one thing I’ve consistently & redundantly learned through working with kids, it’s that children bring a sense of vibrance, ignorant wisdom, life, pure perspective, & carefree, liberating freedom wherever they go. And I desperately need that in this, many-times suffocating, adult world. I wasn’t built to live a life of order & predictability. Like Nelly Furtado once said, “I’m like a bird.” Schoolhouse Rock said, “Oh, elbow room, elbow room, got to, got to get us some elbow room.” Tom Petty (and Miley Cyrus’ gorgeous rendition) said, “You belong among the wildflowers, you belong in a boat out at sea, sail away and kill off the hours, you belong somewhere you feel free.” Each of these quotes holds their own meaning, yet there’s a common thread & cohesive message running through them all — fluency & space. There’s a certain level of intuition, fluidity, & space that has to be left in my life for the kid in me to spread its wings & do its thing. This all being said, it took me until not too long ago to figure out that the kid & the parent voices within myself are separate & should be treated as such. So, just because the kid asks if it can go on a road trip by itself, doesn’t mean that it has its driver’s license or is able to see over the steering wheel to do so. If that were the case, there’d always be a crash coming in my near future. And it took me crashing a few (hundred) times to come to that realization — that the voice of intuition & voice of reason, the kid & the parent, are distinctly their own, yet equally important. Imagine never saying no… or never saying yes… it’s a sad, black & white image either way. Why not let the two coexist?
So, let’s settle this thing once & for all. Are my ducks completely in a row? No chance. Imagine a handful of ducklings toddling along behind their mother — one is running into the other, one is staring at the clouds, one is practicing its gallop, one just tripped on its oversized left foot, & one is seeing if it can waddle in a straight line with its eyes crossed. They’re unbearably uncoordinated, clumsy, unfocused, distracted, & a full-blown, directionless hot mess, yet they’re all walking in the same direction. Maybe at different paces, getting a couple bumps & bruises along the way, but they continue to move forward behind their fearless, more-grounded, wiser leader — their mother. Slowly, randomly, creatively, unconventionally they move forward, enjoying the colors, laughter, scenery, & stories they’ll one day get to tell, along the way.