Do you remember that one movie?
“The Sorcerer’s Apprentice”
Came out in 2010. Disney casually slipped in Nicholas Cage as the lead. It’s really not important or relevant to anything that I’m about to say, but in high school, me & this one friend of mine had a running joke that revolved around the movie. One day, someway, somehow, “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” came into conversation, and the more we reminisced on the movie, the more we realized it had left zero impact on us plot-wise. Neither one of us could tell you what it was about. The only piece that stuck from that film was that OneRepublic song “Secrets”. They had to have played it 30 times. I think it was the only song on the soundtrack actually. You could watch the movie 4 times through, not be able to recollect one table scrap of the story line, but you best believe you’d be singing “tell me what you want to keeeeeeeep” on the way to the car. So, that was our running joke. We’d just start singing it at random times, unannounced, because that’s exactly what Disney did for an hour & 49 minutes.
Anywho, that was my totally irrelevant, warm open, to ease the pressure on your ears & minds as we ride downward. People — we’re going deep.
Secrets.
That’s what OneRepublic said at least. They seem to be a controversial topic. And I’m not just talking about on the streets. I mean that on a personal level. Personally, I’m confused about secrets.
I’ve been told I keep too many secrets.
I’ve been told I can’t keep anyone’s secrets.
I’ve been told a secret that was hurting someone, but I didn’t want to break their trust in sharing it, so I kept it to myself.
I’ve been told a secret that was hurting someone, and I didn’t want it to hurt them anymore, so I broke their trust & told someone.
I’ve shared a secret that I wasn’t supposed to.
I’ve been weighed down by someone else’s secret that they confided in me.
I’ve shared a secret too soon.
I’ve told too many of my own secrets.
I’ve not told enough of my own secrets.
I’ve shared a secret with the wrong person.
I’ve shared a secret with the right person.
I’ve hurt people by telling secrets I shouldn’t have.
I’ve hurt people by keeping secrets I shouldn’t have.
You see? It’s black & it’s white & it ends up in some gray, indistinguishable hodge-podge labeled “secret”. Are you confused? I’m confused.
But I don’t hate it. Anymore, at least. I think I used to. But I also think I used to like living my life in a very black & white manner. This or that. It made things clear, crisp, & decisive. There’s always a right & a wrong. The only thing about that way of life is, when you choose the wrong, it’s fully wrong. There’s no leeway or grace in it. It’s just — wrong.
Lucky for me, I’ve learned to like the gray. The confusion brings me peace. And I don’t think that’s because I like to be confused. In fact, I hate it. That’s why I ask so many gosh darn questions. But I think the gray area brings me peace nowadays, because it’s made me let go of harsh, miscellaneous rules & lean into my intuition. It wasn’t like that before though. I used to live by rules, yet I didn’t know why I believed in them. They were weightless, yet they were something concrete to hold onto. But once the people, places, & things of the world poked & prodded my weightless rules enough times, there wasn’t anything left. Every bubble was burst, because there was nothing within. Like a disappointing, empty Kinder egg. It was just a confused Delaney with nothing completely real & my own to hold onto.
So, then I flailed. I fumbled around in life like a baby deer walking for the first time. Poorly, clumsily, embarrassingly. But the fumblings & the flailings & the wince-worthy embarrassments all unraveled to lead me where I am today. Where? Honestly, God knows. Physically, in my bed in Buffalo, but everything else is a toss up. I do have a conclusion that I’ve come to though.
Conclusion:
I like secrets. A lot. I don’t hold too tight to them anymore, but I’m also not scared of them. To me, a secret is something held close to your soul. It’s a piece of yourself that you value to such a degree, and you don’t want to share it with someone unless they value it to that same degree. Some secrets are farther away from the heart than others, thus making them easier to share. But then there are the ones right there, sitting on your soul — those are the ones that you don’t let go of until it feels completely right. And I’ve learned that sometimes, it never feels right. It’s the whole concept of “throwing pearls before swine.” Why would you give a pig a pearl? What’s it gonna do? Eat it? Poop on it? Rub it in between its hooves? The pig is not going to understand the pearl’s value & take care of it the way it should, that’s for sure. And that’s how I feel about certain secrets of mine — that they’re too valuable to be given to anyone else. And I hope you do too. Some things are too beautiful to be shared. I’ve had moments, outings, & thoughts that no one except those that were there will ever know about. And that’s secretive of me. But it’s also sacred. A sacred secret.
It reminds me of that laboratory they have in Sèvres, France, where they keep all of the international standards. They have the foot, the meter, the gram, the pound, you name it! Any measureable component — the standard is held there. Almost like a museum, except no people are allowed in. It’s a highly regulated chamber where the purest forms of each measurement are held. So, they have a ruler that measures one meter to the most perfect degree. No one has ever touched it. The light hasn’t worn it down. The temperature is regulated to make sure the atoms stay consistent & preserve its makeup. The conditions are as controlled as can be to leave the original form of the meter untampered.
How necessary is this? Probably not very. But I’ll let you juke it out with the experts on that one. Either way, it’s a cool concept & an even cooler metaphor.
To have something untampered, in its most pure, unseen form, all to yourself, is just about as extraordinary as it gets to me. And to have that capability within us all? Color me enthused. So, all of this to say, I think secrets are my new M.O. (but only the ones worth keeping).